Extroversion and ego at a UU conference

I read a story once about a famous Chinese musician who was visiting the West, and was taken to a concert hall to hear the finest in European classical music. After the concert, he was asked what piece he liked the best.

– The first one, he said.

– You mean the Beethoven? his hosts asked, humming a few bars of the first piece.

– No, he said, the one before that.

Eventually, they realized he meant the period when the musicians were tuning their instruments.

Something similar happened to me at the conference I went to last weekend. Not exactly the same, since I didn’t actually participate in the full program — I had a lot of homework due Monday, so I skipped a few sessions. And having that over my head made it hard to be fully present while socializing, so I eventually decided I should leave early.

Still, the first experience was the most thought-provoking.

In the opening session Friday night, all 70 or so of us circled up. As an icebreaker, one by one we gave our names, and then made some kind of movement, along with a sound. Then the whole group would repeat the movement and sound.

The naturally outgoing and body-comfortable probably can never understand, but trust me: performance activities like this give introverts nightmares.

Now, I’ve matured enough in my old age that I didn’t try to sneak out of the room (though I confess it did occur to me). But it was still a little challenging. And in particular, it was the repetition of other people’s actions, along with the group, that was the hardest. In this kind of situation, you get feelings like, “This is so stupid — why are we all doing the chicken dance? What if someone sees me?”

I think that last thought is the key to understanding this mindset. It’s a form of egocentrism, really — of all the people in the group, worrying about how you look.

In any case, I eventually tried harder to take part, to get into it. And that’s when the funniest thing happened: the feeling of “what if someone sees me?” completely vanished. It sounds a little cheesy, but in a certain sense I actually felt “at one” with the group, like a “we” more than a “me.” I think that’s what egolessness feels like.

* * *

This, incidentally, highlights one of the differences between liberal Quakers and UUs. There’s a joke I told several times at the conference — that UUs are basically extroverted Quakers.

A lot could be teased out of that (oversimplified) contrast philosophically, but it also seems true in a very straightforward way; you’d never see that icebreaker at a Friends conference, I think. We’re more likely to go around saying our names and what kitchen utensil we’d like to be.

We’re also less likely to form a giant human snake and run outside the building singing minor-key chants, but that’s another subject…

Talking points

• How would you have felt about an icebreaker game like that?
• Have you ever felt without ego? What was it like? Do tell.